My Gwynnie Issues

Like many others, I have a love-hate relationship with Gwyneth Paltrow. A one-sided relationship, obviously. I'm not sure why I care so much - probably because she's about my age and has a similar background to mine in some ways (minus the Hollywood connections). As with Sofia Coppola, this makes it easy to overly identify with her and therefore resent her success, even when it is deserved.

I really loved her in "The Royal Tenenbaums," and have a guilty affection for the admittedly pretty silly "Sliding Doors" (the plot of which was memorably summed up by my friend Christina as "blonde hair fun life, brown hair awful life"). I don't think she was completely insane to name her daughter Apple, and she can be quite charming in some interviews. I freely admit I eagerly gobble up each fresh news item about her. And yet ...

What's up with the sanctimonious declarations she makes on so regular a basis? She's entitled to her opinion, but she has a way of expressing herself as though she knows what's best for everyone. Her lack of self-awareness and humility don't help, either. Such statements as "I'm an artist" and "I feel that I have a more European sensibility" come to mind. I mean, is she for real?

I was struck awhile back by some comments she made about loosening up her macrobiotic regimen, how she declared that she's "a lot less strict" than she was, and "now I eat what I want," and then went on to list exactly what she does eat and what she doesn't, "because it's not good for anyone."

That's how the Gwyneth Paltrow Food Issues box was born. As inspiration for its color palette I chose the "dinner with James" outfit from "Sliding Doors": the periwinkle Calvin Klein sweater and dark berry lipstick in which she fetchingly serves pasta (careful, Gwyneth, carbs!) while James dominates the conversation with yet another tiresome Monty Python soliloquy. Its lid features the quote: "I eat wheat and cheese. I don't have milk or butter because it's not good for anybody." Circling the base of the box is another quote - "I drink a glass of wine with dinner, occasionally beer and also Guinness. I can't drink vodka though" - along with pictures of various foods in which Paltrow does and does not indulge.

Cheese: she eats it.


Milk: not good for anybody.


Croissant: qualifies as "wheat"?


Wine: just a glass, with dinner.


And finally, safely nestled inside the box, most favored Gwyneth food of all:


The apple. Not for eating though!